Simplicity

I remember when I was seven that my life was fairly simple. I was awoken by my mom at 7. Cereal was next on my list of things to do. I would eat and then my mom would do my hair and I would wear the clothes that were set out for me. My mom then proceeded to drive us 8 blocks to the elementary school. I would sit at school trying to be the perfect student where my biggest worry was, " Am I going to be the best? Will I make a 100 on this reading quiz?" I would then spend what seemed like forever on the playground on the bars. Yup...life was simple..but I still had my concerns. I couldn't wait to grow up. I couldn't wait until I was at the next step....I didn't appreciate what I had then. But how could I, what was there to compare it to?

My life now isn't too much more complex...but the world around me has gotten more complex or I have just come to see the world for what it is. The only thing I have to do right now is study, but I seem to be finding ways out of this very simple task. The step is in 3 weeks from today. Wish me luck!

Singing loudly

I have a terrible voice. This I know. However, when no one is around, I enjoy singing loudly esp. in the car. I think it is something almost everyone does. It is a feeling of freedom to sing at the top of your lungs. It is the same feeling I have when I am standing atop a hard rock climbing problem looking down at my accomplishment or when rock something like no other. I want to be able to take this feeling of utter confidence and translate it to other portions of my life. I want to be able to sing at the top of my lungs with others around. This is what I desire.

Disappointment

Today I feel disappointed. I am not disappointed in someone....I am disappointed in myself. I could have done a lot better these past couple of weeks and I am disappointed in my performance. Thank god second year is almost over!

Headwind

Have you ever been on a run where you are jogging in place and you aren't going anywhere? (and I am not talking about the treadmill...which is in my opinion one of the most boring places to run EVER!) No I am talking about a situation where the actual real life wind is against you. I have felt like this for the past two weeks. I am two weeks into my last round of exams for second year, with one more week, and I feel like I am not moving anywhere. I feel like the information that we have learned isn't sticking and that I have almost given up pushing against the wind. The wind is coming at me at hurricane speeds and each day passes even when I pray for more time.

So I feel a little helpless about the situation. However, wasn't it I that choose this path? Maybe next time I will choose one with fewer winds and less debris. I want it to be over so bad...but for what...more studying! I find myself not looking forward to life...life has so much to offer. I need to dig myself out of this hole and strike out on my own. I am looking forward to June 13th, the day I take the Step exam, like it's nobody's business, but I realize that I can not let this school take over my life. One of my friends asked me yesterday what a typical study day is like and after describing to her a study day I realized how sad, lonely and pathetic they sound. Day after day...the same...I promised myself too that I would make time for me. I am disappointed in myself though at the same time. I am disappointed in my inability to work harder...in my lack of commitment to my studies. I am scared that this will turn into another MCAT like experience. The MCAT was one of my most diappointing moments of my college career. I blame myself for my failures on the MCAT and my lack of commitment to studying for it. I want to make sure that this doesn't turn into another MCAT. Please God do not let it turn into another MCAT.

Confusion...

Life continues to confuse me. There is so much deception it is unbelievable. How am I suppose to sift through all of people who are out to deceive me? I believe the best of people. Obviously, this hasn't been working out too well for me lately. Wow! that's all I have to say...WOW!

Hemato...huh?

Tests started yesterday and they are in full swing. As much as I complain about tests, test week is actually one of my favorite weeks each block. It is one of my favorite weeks because 1) I have the weekend of no work to look forward too and 2) I have nothing...absolutely NOTHING to worry about other than tests. I don't have to worry about friends and other commitments. It is the one week of the block that I can solely focus on me and my studies. It gives me a sense of freedom from commitment in a way. I do however dread the feeling of being unprepared though...which frequently occurs. Anyways, must get back to studying. Wish me luck!

Jewel

I have decided to dedicate today's post to my cat, Jewel. There is a picture of her on the left. Now, I am not a crazy cat lady... Jewel is my one and only pet. I got her last October and it was one of the best decisions that I ever made. She has been a pleasure to have around and she has helped me get through some of the lonely times. We have spend COUNTLESS hours studying together. (More of me studying and my cat sleeping next to me.) She is the first living thing in my life that I have ever made a true commitment to. This is big for me. I am queen of the non-committed relationship aka the 6 week relationship. Maybe I am growing by having her in my life? Nah!

Despite all of the good things Jewel has done for me, I never one to become one of those pet owner's who only talks about their pet like it was their kid. This annoys me to no end! Arg!! My cat is great company, but she does not replace human interaction. I have not been calling up my friends to tell them what trick she learned today. Honestly, I really don't care about how Fluffy, my friend's dog, learned out to play dead. I listen and am respectful of my friend's feelings because my friend's happiness is important to me. Now I am not going to lie to you, my cat does get mentioned on occasion in conversation. I mainly talk about her when I am planning a trip and need to find someone to look after her, or when she hides something important in my house that I really need. (for example: the college ring she hid under my couch by knocking it off my kitchen table... not funny!) Once again though, she is just a cat. My lazy cat that I have come to love...but a cat none the less. : ) Stay cool, Jewel. Thanks for keeping me company!