Confusion...

Life continues to confuse me. There is so much deception it is unbelievable. How am I suppose to sift through all of people who are out to deceive me? I believe the best of people. Obviously, this hasn't been working out too well for me lately. Wow! that's all I have to say...WOW!

Hemato...huh?

Tests started yesterday and they are in full swing. As much as I complain about tests, test week is actually one of my favorite weeks each block. It is one of my favorite weeks because 1) I have the weekend of no work to look forward too and 2) I have nothing...absolutely NOTHING to worry about other than tests. I don't have to worry about friends and other commitments. It is the one week of the block that I can solely focus on me and my studies. It gives me a sense of freedom from commitment in a way. I do however dread the feeling of being unprepared though...which frequently occurs. Anyways, must get back to studying. Wish me luck!

Jewel

I have decided to dedicate today's post to my cat, Jewel. There is a picture of her on the left. Now, I am not a crazy cat lady... Jewel is my one and only pet. I got her last October and it was one of the best decisions that I ever made. She has been a pleasure to have around and she has helped me get through some of the lonely times. We have spend COUNTLESS hours studying together. (More of me studying and my cat sleeping next to me.) She is the first living thing in my life that I have ever made a true commitment to. This is big for me. I am queen of the non-committed relationship aka the 6 week relationship. Maybe I am growing by having her in my life? Nah!

Despite all of the good things Jewel has done for me, I never one to become one of those pet owner's who only talks about their pet like it was their kid. This annoys me to no end! Arg!! My cat is great company, but she does not replace human interaction. I have not been calling up my friends to tell them what trick she learned today. Honestly, I really don't care about how Fluffy, my friend's dog, learned out to play dead. I listen and am respectful of my friend's feelings because my friend's happiness is important to me. Now I am not going to lie to you, my cat does get mentioned on occasion in conversation. I mainly talk about her when I am planning a trip and need to find someone to look after her, or when she hides something important in my house that I really need. (for example: the college ring she hid under my couch by knocking it off my kitchen table... not funny!) Once again though, she is just a cat. My lazy cat that I have come to love...but a cat none the less. : ) Stay cool, Jewel. Thanks for keeping me company!

Full Circle

Today was a big day for me. It was my last day of class for my second year of medical school, yipee! And it was my last day of BOOK work class EVER! (Unfortunately, I have TONS more studying to do before I start hands on 3rd year. Next week marks the beginning of a test marathon) However, I can not let today go unnoticed. The little things in life are what make life worth living...so I am going to take a second to raise my fist up in a "Rocky like" punch! Finishing my last day of class, got me thinking about my first day of class and how much has happened in between. I have made a full circle.

I remember the first day of medical school like it was just yesterday. Our classroom on the 2nd floor of the medical school was packed to the brim. I took my seat in the second row...to make sure I could smell the action. Then I sat in that same seat literally for 4 hours...in lecture after lecture...being thrown into gross anatomy and devo like there was no tomorrow. I met so many people that day...it is all a blur. That afternoon, I met my tank group for Gross Anatomy and was introduced to my cadaver that we later came to know as Big Al. The full first two weeks of medical school, I walked down the halls of our school thinking to myself, "This is it. I am going to be a real doctor." Shortly after this, the freshness of medical school wore off. I lost the sparkle in my eyes and the hard work began. Not only was school was hard, but my life outside of school never really seemed to simmer down. Life simmered down in college...why didn't it simmer down here? I had boy problems, friend problems, school problems, family problems....you name it...and I had a problem in that department over the last two years. I have been tested...I have been asked to go beyond myself. I have often failed. I have felt like giving up the battle on numerous occasions. However, sometimes I surprised myself and did things I never thought were possible.

Today, I feel like I am in a good place right now...I am back to the place where I began. Full circle. I get to start over and start something new again. I love new beginnings. Maybe this will go better than the last two years? Maybe I will find more fulfillment in this new place? I am full of anticipation much like I was two years ago. I am nervous and excited for what is to come.

Here I stand... two years older and with a slightly bruised ego from med school ready to fight some more. Maybe wiser? I have two things to say:
1) Tests...move out of my way... I am on my way to start something new!

2) Bring it! Yeah...bring it!

Communication...

Life is a fickle thing. You don't always know what you want, but you need to communicate to others what you want to get the thing you think you may want. I have found myself on numerous occasions...really quite unsure of my place in life...but I haphazardly pick out something that is much desired by others simply because I can. Take medical school for instance. I don't know if I ever really wanted it...I thought I did...but did I want to go to medical school because everyone else did or did I really want to be a doctor? I like to think that I actually picked out med school to be a doctor but sometimes I wonder. Med school makes you question your own choices more than ever as you slave over your books.

Another example applies to dating. Have you ever noticed that unobtainable persons of the opposite sex are so much more attractive than the available ones? It is often because someone else has put a stamp on them saying that is what they want. It then makes you question why you wouldn't want them too. I have spent hours over the last year analyzing my dating inadequacies...many they are...rest assured...and this is often one of them. I love the unobtainable. It is almost like a challenge. Mind you, I would never pursue another girl's fellow (I am not that kind of girl), but I will often find them more attractive than had I met them single. One of my other dating inadequacies is communication, the topic for today. I often am unable to express to the guy I am dating what I want from him and how I feel about him. Often this is because I don't know what I want. Do I want them to jump through hoops for me? Do I want them to ignore me? I don't know... I have dated guys that have done both of these things and haven't been content. I do know though...if you can't communicate, there is no relationship period. This is one of the many reasons I haven't actually had a relationship. I have been too scared to actually open up and tell them what I think. If you never open up, you don't have a relationship.

Let's get back to the topic though, communication. I have been thinking a lot about my communications with others lately. To maintain friendships, I need to work on being a better communicator. If something really bugs me, I need to let the person know instead of let it build in my heart like an angry fire that becomes more passive aggressive day by day. However I need to be careful how I express these feeling...as to be sensitive to others feelings.

Recently, I feel at disconnect with one of my close friends. There is a gap in our communication and I wish I could figure out what the gap is. I hope that I can find a way to communicate with her and find out what is going on. In the past, I have viewed everything that happens to me directly related to things that I have done. This is self centered and often wrong. Maybe she is mad at me...but maybe more is going on than meets the eye? I just want to make sure she is ok and I sense a rift forming. If I did do anything to upset her, I would like to know what it is...so I can correct it. If she is having hard times in her life, I want to be there for her.

Okay...so this entry was random...sorry

Recipe for life?

I am sitting here on a Friday night working on my school work and baking a cake. I smell the cake in the oven and I can not wait until it comes out! : ) This is my life. I sometimes wish that life could be as easy as my Banana bread recipe. You mix all of the ingredients together in no particular order really and it turns out good 95% of the time (as long as I don't leave it in the oven too long). The recipe tells me what to do...I follow the recipe and good results are obtained. Unfortunately and fortunately, my life doesn't come with a recipe. It just isn't that planned out. It is unfortunate because sometimes I wish my life was easier and I didn't have to make hard choices. But at the same time, wouldn't life be boring if all my choices were made for me? If I woke up one day and I was told how to live my life, I would most likely revolt. I don't take well to being controlled.

If I had to write a recipe for life, what would it be though? What are the ingredients to a full life? This sounds so cliche and silly now that I write it. But really, what do I want from my life and where do I want to be? There are so many possibilities...

I could be a...
Casserole... prepared in advance for all the busy life turns with a family to boot.
Or Pad Thai...full of adventure and new experiences, out of the ordinary.
Or I could even be Enchiladas...everyone loves enchiladas...full of good times (aka fat) and familarity.
Maybe my road is a Take Out from Wendy's aka I am too lazy and busy to even spend time on myself.

All I know is that I don't want my life to be much of the same...stale and boring. I want to be so much more than that.

Being myself...

Do you ever feel like you are in a situation, but you aren't really there? It is like you are looking in on someone else's life and doing all of the actions. Much of medical school has felt this way to me. It is weird feeling. It is like you are losing control of your own life and can't do anything about it. When in actuality, in times like these, it is only YOU who can turn things around.

My second complaint is two fold. Let me preface this. I have an amazing group of friends. They are all wonderful people. I like each of them for a different reason. However, I believe that I need to spend less time with them. Hanging out with them is leading to discontentment in my life right now. I need to dissociate myself from stressful things right now and this is one of them. Now you might be asking, how can this be...friends are key to your everyday life! When there is no family around all you've got is your friends. True, true... lemme explain.

Friendships in medical school are difficult because they are few and far between. When you have a friend, you really want to keep them more than anything else because they are you survival for the all encompassing med school deal. However, your friends can suck your soul out! You are afraid to piss them off...so you aren't yourself around them. You are emotionally vunerable around them and they don't listen.... They are only ok with you as long as you are happy.... I haven't been my self around most of my friends since last August. So it is like I am playing a game... I am trying to obtain their approval yet I am not giving much back. I think they know that I have closed up to them. I haven't thrown away the key yet. So it is not to late. Above all, I feel used sometimes. I feel like I am only needed when significant others aren't there. I am not here to entertain you only when everyone else is busy. It isn't fair to me. And I really deserve more than that!

I wish I could be myself around them...I wish! Maybe one day. But until the day I can truly open up to them, I have decided that ME time is the best time. Why? b/c I can be around me. I don't have to feel guilty for anything. So I plan on spending a lot of time with my favorite person in the near future and not feeling at ALL guilty for it!

The other night, I had a ME night. It was simply amazing. I met new people. I did only things that I wanted to do and it was one of the happiest nights I have had in freakin' forever. I look forward to more nights such as those.

The New Tide...

Today I was sitting at my computer contemplating life as we know it...as usual...when it dawned upon me, I am super excited about the Me Friday Night that I have planned. What is a Me Friday, you might ask? Well, it is when I go out and do stuff with me, for me. Utter selfishness. I am so pumped. I began to think that I need to have more Me Friday Nights because I haven't gotten so excited about something in a long time. I think I need to self perserve more. I am tired of planning stuff for events that I really don't want to do. For example, I hate softball...yes hate it. There I said it and the world didn't fall down. Why did I play another season? Because someone roped me into it...that's why. To top it off, I am captain. Tomorrow night, all I really want to do is go see La Misma Luna with one of me friends.

Okay, back to my point. I am becoming my mother. I watched my mom take on tasks that she had no interest in her entire life. I don't want to be her in this situation. My mom was my high school's treasurer, water polo spirit mom and copy volunteer at school. I have seen people walk all over her. She is good at all of these things...yes...but does she like them? No... So if I have learned anything from my mom, it is to say no. Can I worm my way outta softball tomorrow? I don't know but I am contemplating trying. Wish me luck. I surely will not succeed at this task because GUILT will overwhelm me from being noncommital.

Negativity

I feel as though I exude negative energy today since 3 PM today. The source of this negativity is unknown and needs to be corrected. Why ooo why?