Being myself...

Do you ever feel like you are in a situation, but you aren't really there? It is like you are looking in on someone else's life and doing all of the actions. Much of medical school has felt this way to me. It is weird feeling. It is like you are losing control of your own life and can't do anything about it. When in actuality, in times like these, it is only YOU who can turn things around.

My second complaint is two fold. Let me preface this. I have an amazing group of friends. They are all wonderful people. I like each of them for a different reason. However, I believe that I need to spend less time with them. Hanging out with them is leading to discontentment in my life right now. I need to dissociate myself from stressful things right now and this is one of them. Now you might be asking, how can this be...friends are key to your everyday life! When there is no family around all you've got is your friends. True, true... lemme explain.

Friendships in medical school are difficult because they are few and far between. When you have a friend, you really want to keep them more than anything else because they are you survival for the all encompassing med school deal. However, your friends can suck your soul out! You are afraid to piss them off...so you aren't yourself around them. You are emotionally vunerable around them and they don't listen.... They are only ok with you as long as you are happy.... I haven't been my self around most of my friends since last August. So it is like I am playing a game... I am trying to obtain their approval yet I am not giving much back. I think they know that I have closed up to them. I haven't thrown away the key yet. So it is not to late. Above all, I feel used sometimes. I feel like I am only needed when significant others aren't there. I am not here to entertain you only when everyone else is busy. It isn't fair to me. And I really deserve more than that!

I wish I could be myself around them...I wish! Maybe one day. But until the day I can truly open up to them, I have decided that ME time is the best time. Why? b/c I can be around me. I don't have to feel guilty for anything. So I plan on spending a lot of time with my favorite person in the near future and not feeling at ALL guilty for it!

The other night, I had a ME night. It was simply amazing. I met new people. I did only things that I wanted to do and it was one of the happiest nights I have had in freakin' forever. I look forward to more nights such as those.