Communication...

Life is a fickle thing. You don't always know what you want, but you need to communicate to others what you want to get the thing you think you may want. I have found myself on numerous occasions...really quite unsure of my place in life...but I haphazardly pick out something that is much desired by others simply because I can. Take medical school for instance. I don't know if I ever really wanted it...I thought I did...but did I want to go to medical school because everyone else did or did I really want to be a doctor? I like to think that I actually picked out med school to be a doctor but sometimes I wonder. Med school makes you question your own choices more than ever as you slave over your books.

Another example applies to dating. Have you ever noticed that unobtainable persons of the opposite sex are so much more attractive than the available ones? It is often because someone else has put a stamp on them saying that is what they want. It then makes you question why you wouldn't want them too. I have spent hours over the last year analyzing my dating inadequacies...many they are...rest assured...and this is often one of them. I love the unobtainable. It is almost like a challenge. Mind you, I would never pursue another girl's fellow (I am not that kind of girl), but I will often find them more attractive than had I met them single. One of my other dating inadequacies is communication, the topic for today. I often am unable to express to the guy I am dating what I want from him and how I feel about him. Often this is because I don't know what I want. Do I want them to jump through hoops for me? Do I want them to ignore me? I don't know... I have dated guys that have done both of these things and haven't been content. I do know though...if you can't communicate, there is no relationship period. This is one of the many reasons I haven't actually had a relationship. I have been too scared to actually open up and tell them what I think. If you never open up, you don't have a relationship.

Let's get back to the topic though, communication. I have been thinking a lot about my communications with others lately. To maintain friendships, I need to work on being a better communicator. If something really bugs me, I need to let the person know instead of let it build in my heart like an angry fire that becomes more passive aggressive day by day. However I need to be careful how I express these feeling...as to be sensitive to others feelings.

Recently, I feel at disconnect with one of my close friends. There is a gap in our communication and I wish I could figure out what the gap is. I hope that I can find a way to communicate with her and find out what is going on. In the past, I have viewed everything that happens to me directly related to things that I have done. This is self centered and often wrong. Maybe she is mad at me...but maybe more is going on than meets the eye? I just want to make sure she is ok and I sense a rift forming. If I did do anything to upset her, I would like to know what it is...so I can correct it. If she is having hard times in her life, I want to be there for her.

Okay...so this entry was random...sorry