Simplicity

I remember when I was seven that my life was fairly simple. I was awoken by my mom at 7. Cereal was next on my list of things to do. I would eat and then my mom would do my hair and I would wear the clothes that were set out for me. My mom then proceeded to drive us 8 blocks to the elementary school. I would sit at school trying to be the perfect student where my biggest worry was, " Am I going to be the best? Will I make a 100 on this reading quiz?" I would then spend what seemed like forever on the playground on the bars. Yup...life was simple..but I still had my concerns. I couldn't wait to grow up. I couldn't wait until I was at the next step....I didn't appreciate what I had then. But how could I, what was there to compare it to?

My life now isn't too much more complex...but the world around me has gotten more complex or I have just come to see the world for what it is. The only thing I have to do right now is study, but I seem to be finding ways out of this very simple task. The step is in 3 weeks from today. Wish me luck!

Singing loudly

I have a terrible voice. This I know. However, when no one is around, I enjoy singing loudly esp. in the car. I think it is something almost everyone does. It is a feeling of freedom to sing at the top of your lungs. It is the same feeling I have when I am standing atop a hard rock climbing problem looking down at my accomplishment or when rock something like no other. I want to be able to take this feeling of utter confidence and translate it to other portions of my life. I want to be able to sing at the top of my lungs with others around. This is what I desire.

Disappointment

Today I feel disappointed. I am not disappointed in someone....I am disappointed in myself. I could have done a lot better these past couple of weeks and I am disappointed in my performance. Thank god second year is almost over!

Headwind

Have you ever been on a run where you are jogging in place and you aren't going anywhere? (and I am not talking about the treadmill...which is in my opinion one of the most boring places to run EVER!) No I am talking about a situation where the actual real life wind is against you. I have felt like this for the past two weeks. I am two weeks into my last round of exams for second year, with one more week, and I feel like I am not moving anywhere. I feel like the information that we have learned isn't sticking and that I have almost given up pushing against the wind. The wind is coming at me at hurricane speeds and each day passes even when I pray for more time.

So I feel a little helpless about the situation. However, wasn't it I that choose this path? Maybe next time I will choose one with fewer winds and less debris. I want it to be over so bad...but for what...more studying! I find myself not looking forward to life...life has so much to offer. I need to dig myself out of this hole and strike out on my own. I am looking forward to June 13th, the day I take the Step exam, like it's nobody's business, but I realize that I can not let this school take over my life. One of my friends asked me yesterday what a typical study day is like and after describing to her a study day I realized how sad, lonely and pathetic they sound. Day after day...the same...I promised myself too that I would make time for me. I am disappointed in myself though at the same time. I am disappointed in my inability to work harder...in my lack of commitment to my studies. I am scared that this will turn into another MCAT like experience. The MCAT was one of my most diappointing moments of my college career. I blame myself for my failures on the MCAT and my lack of commitment to studying for it. I want to make sure that this doesn't turn into another MCAT. Please God do not let it turn into another MCAT.

Confusion...

Life continues to confuse me. There is so much deception it is unbelievable. How am I suppose to sift through all of people who are out to deceive me? I believe the best of people. Obviously, this hasn't been working out too well for me lately. Wow! that's all I have to say...WOW!

Hemato...huh?

Tests started yesterday and they are in full swing. As much as I complain about tests, test week is actually one of my favorite weeks each block. It is one of my favorite weeks because 1) I have the weekend of no work to look forward too and 2) I have nothing...absolutely NOTHING to worry about other than tests. I don't have to worry about friends and other commitments. It is the one week of the block that I can solely focus on me and my studies. It gives me a sense of freedom from commitment in a way. I do however dread the feeling of being unprepared though...which frequently occurs. Anyways, must get back to studying. Wish me luck!

Jewel

I have decided to dedicate today's post to my cat, Jewel. There is a picture of her on the left. Now, I am not a crazy cat lady... Jewel is my one and only pet. I got her last October and it was one of the best decisions that I ever made. She has been a pleasure to have around and she has helped me get through some of the lonely times. We have spend COUNTLESS hours studying together. (More of me studying and my cat sleeping next to me.) She is the first living thing in my life that I have ever made a true commitment to. This is big for me. I am queen of the non-committed relationship aka the 6 week relationship. Maybe I am growing by having her in my life? Nah!

Despite all of the good things Jewel has done for me, I never one to become one of those pet owner's who only talks about their pet like it was their kid. This annoys me to no end! Arg!! My cat is great company, but she does not replace human interaction. I have not been calling up my friends to tell them what trick she learned today. Honestly, I really don't care about how Fluffy, my friend's dog, learned out to play dead. I listen and am respectful of my friend's feelings because my friend's happiness is important to me. Now I am not going to lie to you, my cat does get mentioned on occasion in conversation. I mainly talk about her when I am planning a trip and need to find someone to look after her, or when she hides something important in my house that I really need. (for example: the college ring she hid under my couch by knocking it off my kitchen table... not funny!) Once again though, she is just a cat. My lazy cat that I have come to love...but a cat none the less. : ) Stay cool, Jewel. Thanks for keeping me company!

Full Circle

Today was a big day for me. It was my last day of class for my second year of medical school, yipee! And it was my last day of BOOK work class EVER! (Unfortunately, I have TONS more studying to do before I start hands on 3rd year. Next week marks the beginning of a test marathon) However, I can not let today go unnoticed. The little things in life are what make life worth living...so I am going to take a second to raise my fist up in a "Rocky like" punch! Finishing my last day of class, got me thinking about my first day of class and how much has happened in between. I have made a full circle.

I remember the first day of medical school like it was just yesterday. Our classroom on the 2nd floor of the medical school was packed to the brim. I took my seat in the second row...to make sure I could smell the action. Then I sat in that same seat literally for 4 hours...in lecture after lecture...being thrown into gross anatomy and devo like there was no tomorrow. I met so many people that day...it is all a blur. That afternoon, I met my tank group for Gross Anatomy and was introduced to my cadaver that we later came to know as Big Al. The full first two weeks of medical school, I walked down the halls of our school thinking to myself, "This is it. I am going to be a real doctor." Shortly after this, the freshness of medical school wore off. I lost the sparkle in my eyes and the hard work began. Not only was school was hard, but my life outside of school never really seemed to simmer down. Life simmered down in college...why didn't it simmer down here? I had boy problems, friend problems, school problems, family problems....you name it...and I had a problem in that department over the last two years. I have been tested...I have been asked to go beyond myself. I have often failed. I have felt like giving up the battle on numerous occasions. However, sometimes I surprised myself and did things I never thought were possible.

Today, I feel like I am in a good place right now...I am back to the place where I began. Full circle. I get to start over and start something new again. I love new beginnings. Maybe this will go better than the last two years? Maybe I will find more fulfillment in this new place? I am full of anticipation much like I was two years ago. I am nervous and excited for what is to come.

Here I stand... two years older and with a slightly bruised ego from med school ready to fight some more. Maybe wiser? I have two things to say:
1) Tests...move out of my way... I am on my way to start something new!

2) Bring it! Yeah...bring it!

Communication...

Life is a fickle thing. You don't always know what you want, but you need to communicate to others what you want to get the thing you think you may want. I have found myself on numerous occasions...really quite unsure of my place in life...but I haphazardly pick out something that is much desired by others simply because I can. Take medical school for instance. I don't know if I ever really wanted it...I thought I did...but did I want to go to medical school because everyone else did or did I really want to be a doctor? I like to think that I actually picked out med school to be a doctor but sometimes I wonder. Med school makes you question your own choices more than ever as you slave over your books.

Another example applies to dating. Have you ever noticed that unobtainable persons of the opposite sex are so much more attractive than the available ones? It is often because someone else has put a stamp on them saying that is what they want. It then makes you question why you wouldn't want them too. I have spent hours over the last year analyzing my dating inadequacies...many they are...rest assured...and this is often one of them. I love the unobtainable. It is almost like a challenge. Mind you, I would never pursue another girl's fellow (I am not that kind of girl), but I will often find them more attractive than had I met them single. One of my other dating inadequacies is communication, the topic for today. I often am unable to express to the guy I am dating what I want from him and how I feel about him. Often this is because I don't know what I want. Do I want them to jump through hoops for me? Do I want them to ignore me? I don't know... I have dated guys that have done both of these things and haven't been content. I do know though...if you can't communicate, there is no relationship period. This is one of the many reasons I haven't actually had a relationship. I have been too scared to actually open up and tell them what I think. If you never open up, you don't have a relationship.

Let's get back to the topic though, communication. I have been thinking a lot about my communications with others lately. To maintain friendships, I need to work on being a better communicator. If something really bugs me, I need to let the person know instead of let it build in my heart like an angry fire that becomes more passive aggressive day by day. However I need to be careful how I express these feeling...as to be sensitive to others feelings.

Recently, I feel at disconnect with one of my close friends. There is a gap in our communication and I wish I could figure out what the gap is. I hope that I can find a way to communicate with her and find out what is going on. In the past, I have viewed everything that happens to me directly related to things that I have done. This is self centered and often wrong. Maybe she is mad at me...but maybe more is going on than meets the eye? I just want to make sure she is ok and I sense a rift forming. If I did do anything to upset her, I would like to know what it is...so I can correct it. If she is having hard times in her life, I want to be there for her.

Okay...so this entry was random...sorry

Recipe for life?

I am sitting here on a Friday night working on my school work and baking a cake. I smell the cake in the oven and I can not wait until it comes out! : ) This is my life. I sometimes wish that life could be as easy as my Banana bread recipe. You mix all of the ingredients together in no particular order really and it turns out good 95% of the time (as long as I don't leave it in the oven too long). The recipe tells me what to do...I follow the recipe and good results are obtained. Unfortunately and fortunately, my life doesn't come with a recipe. It just isn't that planned out. It is unfortunate because sometimes I wish my life was easier and I didn't have to make hard choices. But at the same time, wouldn't life be boring if all my choices were made for me? If I woke up one day and I was told how to live my life, I would most likely revolt. I don't take well to being controlled.

If I had to write a recipe for life, what would it be though? What are the ingredients to a full life? This sounds so cliche and silly now that I write it. But really, what do I want from my life and where do I want to be? There are so many possibilities...

I could be a...
Casserole... prepared in advance for all the busy life turns with a family to boot.
Or Pad Thai...full of adventure and new experiences, out of the ordinary.
Or I could even be Enchiladas...everyone loves enchiladas...full of good times (aka fat) and familarity.
Maybe my road is a Take Out from Wendy's aka I am too lazy and busy to even spend time on myself.

All I know is that I don't want my life to be much of the same...stale and boring. I want to be so much more than that.

Being myself...

Do you ever feel like you are in a situation, but you aren't really there? It is like you are looking in on someone else's life and doing all of the actions. Much of medical school has felt this way to me. It is weird feeling. It is like you are losing control of your own life and can't do anything about it. When in actuality, in times like these, it is only YOU who can turn things around.

My second complaint is two fold. Let me preface this. I have an amazing group of friends. They are all wonderful people. I like each of them for a different reason. However, I believe that I need to spend less time with them. Hanging out with them is leading to discontentment in my life right now. I need to dissociate myself from stressful things right now and this is one of them. Now you might be asking, how can this be...friends are key to your everyday life! When there is no family around all you've got is your friends. True, true... lemme explain.

Friendships in medical school are difficult because they are few and far between. When you have a friend, you really want to keep them more than anything else because they are you survival for the all encompassing med school deal. However, your friends can suck your soul out! You are afraid to piss them off...so you aren't yourself around them. You are emotionally vunerable around them and they don't listen.... They are only ok with you as long as you are happy.... I haven't been my self around most of my friends since last August. So it is like I am playing a game... I am trying to obtain their approval yet I am not giving much back. I think they know that I have closed up to them. I haven't thrown away the key yet. So it is not to late. Above all, I feel used sometimes. I feel like I am only needed when significant others aren't there. I am not here to entertain you only when everyone else is busy. It isn't fair to me. And I really deserve more than that!

I wish I could be myself around them...I wish! Maybe one day. But until the day I can truly open up to them, I have decided that ME time is the best time. Why? b/c I can be around me. I don't have to feel guilty for anything. So I plan on spending a lot of time with my favorite person in the near future and not feeling at ALL guilty for it!

The other night, I had a ME night. It was simply amazing. I met new people. I did only things that I wanted to do and it was one of the happiest nights I have had in freakin' forever. I look forward to more nights such as those.

The New Tide...

Today I was sitting at my computer contemplating life as we know it...as usual...when it dawned upon me, I am super excited about the Me Friday Night that I have planned. What is a Me Friday, you might ask? Well, it is when I go out and do stuff with me, for me. Utter selfishness. I am so pumped. I began to think that I need to have more Me Friday Nights because I haven't gotten so excited about something in a long time. I think I need to self perserve more. I am tired of planning stuff for events that I really don't want to do. For example, I hate softball...yes hate it. There I said it and the world didn't fall down. Why did I play another season? Because someone roped me into it...that's why. To top it off, I am captain. Tomorrow night, all I really want to do is go see La Misma Luna with one of me friends.

Okay, back to my point. I am becoming my mother. I watched my mom take on tasks that she had no interest in her entire life. I don't want to be her in this situation. My mom was my high school's treasurer, water polo spirit mom and copy volunteer at school. I have seen people walk all over her. She is good at all of these things...yes...but does she like them? No... So if I have learned anything from my mom, it is to say no. Can I worm my way outta softball tomorrow? I don't know but I am contemplating trying. Wish me luck. I surely will not succeed at this task because GUILT will overwhelm me from being noncommital.

Negativity

I feel as though I exude negative energy today since 3 PM today. The source of this negativity is unknown and needs to be corrected. Why ooo why?

Weekdays...

Today is Monday. Monday has a combination of meanings to me. In one light, Monday is beginning of another hard week of school work. But in a more positive light, Monday is beacon of light and new hope. "Say what?!" you might say. In medical school, weekends have become often a time of loneliness. Everyone tends to make plans with their significant others. Weekends sometimes are an abyss of aloneness and uncertainty. Whereas, the week brings opportunity to start a fresh and see people. I prefer weekdays over weekends right now. Hands down. Maybe when I start working, this opinion will change, but for now, I prefer my Mondays even if they are a little Manic. : )

Interworkings...

People are complex...plain and simple. I was thinking today about how little I truely know about other people even my closest friends. We all have secrets and quirks. I am guilty of hiding some of my habits and quirks from others as well. Okay, I will spill one of mine, but keep this on DL. Every morning since freshman year of college (when no one else is home), I turn on the TV show Charmed and watch anywhere from 10 minutes to a whole episode. It motivates me to get out of bed. The show is really not that great and the acting is actually quite terrible. I have seen every episode though multiple times and can tell you what is going to happen in that episode within a minute of turning on the show. I don't think I even really like the show anymore, but I like the idea of having something to get up to. Next year, when I start working long hours, I will be unable to turn on TNT at 7 or 8 AM to watch Charmed....hopefully, I will find a descent replacement for this silly little ritual.

Okay, back to the whole friends topic. The interworkings of my friendships is quite complex. Friends are influenced by so many different factors...their past, family, other friends, lovers, and certain situations. Any combination of these things are a part of any one individual. One thing, I have been guilty on occasion to assume that my friends are mad at me when they are acting weird. I overanalyze our interaction and assume their mood is because it is something that I have done. When in actuality it can be any combination of the above influences. If there is anything that I have learned this year is the fact that the world doesn't revolve around "little ole' me!" Most often, my friends are not acting weird because of me directly but because something else is going on in their life. To all of my friends that read this column (I hope no one actually reads this), please tell me directly when I am hurting your feelings. I will be more than happy to try to correct the situation. I am not a perfect person and realize this.

Stuck in a Moment...

One of my all time favorite songs is the acoustic version of U2's Stuck in a Moment. As I was listening to the song today, I thought that I too may be stuck in a moment. I too may be stuck saying "Later will be better" instead of acting now. It is my time to act now... pursue my dreams and get out of my rutt. The question is what are my dreams now? My dreams are not what they once were, but I need to realize that this is OKAY. Things change and I need to adapt. This doesn't mean I need to stop dreaming all together...which is what I have done. So let us list some of my dreams in no particular order.

1) To visit every continent
2) To learn how to scuba dive
3) To run the Boston marathon someday
4) To score above a 230 on the step
5) To ski a black route
6) To learn more about the stars (astronomy is cool)
7) To read a fun book a month
8) To be in shape the rest of my life
9) To have enough money saved to own a house by the time I am 35
10) To go to the tallest building of every city I visit
11) To take another art history class or volunteer at the local museum
12) To not feel guilty about my time spent away from school
13) To conquer my greatest fears
14) Learn to say NO with power
15) To stop overanalyzing situations
16) To not plan every moment of my life but plan the important ones...

Beginnings....

I am creating this blog to release... not necessarily for other people to read. My goal is to leave people out of it and to really delve into things that I dwell on. In the last year I have become someone that I am not proud of. I want to be happy to be me again. I hope that I can regain my stridor to my step and head tilt. I am rapidly approaching the end of my second year of medical school. I sometimes wonder whether medical school was the right choice for me. But being almost halfway done, I really can not turn back now. I have already put in too much to turn back. I have worked too hard.



Medical school has been a hard reality for me. I am blessed to have the opportunity to become a doctor, yet I am often dissatisfied with my current place in life. Yet... So many people wish that they were in my place....23 and in medical school...not bad. The thing is I feel like medical school has crushed my dreams and sense of adventure. It is tying me down and I feel like I can't move. I am stuck. My parents do not relate to this and have indicated to me that I am acting beneath my age. I know I am....I feel like I have emotionally regressed in medical school. I use to be this strong kick ass person and now I cry all of the time and can't figure out what I want in life.

A person is often defined by their reactions to life's hardships. I have not been reacting well. I want to change my life and be the change that I need to be...but I often find that I am unable to change when I am so focused on trying to get the things I need to get done at the present time. Blog, this is my beginning....my opportunity to turn things around....other people don't define my life...I define my life....let's rock this thing